strange

I told myself I was gonna come out to my dad this June. But now I'm scared.

Here's the thing. I've never felt the need to "come out" the way most people do. I'm bi/pan. I land squarely (queerly?) in both identities and I'm happy to be called either. Some people think that bi is trans/inter/non-binary exclusionary because it's described as "sexual or emotional attraction to both genders", which I understand though never felt personally. Therefor pansexual became a more common phrase, basically the potential for attraction to literally anyone, which definitely suits my feelings moreso. However... I never thought of bi as excluding the between genders, if you will, to begin with. So my mind and heart is still perfectly fine with being called bi, as I have called myself since I was a teenager, even though technically pan suits me better. Therefor I claim two flags within the LGBTQ+ scope. I've always just sort of not mentioned it unless it happened to come up somehow in conversation, usually when men were talking about women they find attractive, I'd chime in. And that's how I'd "come out" to whatever friends or whatever I was talking to. It was just a small part of the conversation. Sure I'd get a surprised look now and then initially, and sure some of the guys would get fetishy about it now and then. But it hadn't ever been an actual problem.

It never really occurred to me to come out to my dad. My dad is very "whatever makes you happy" about anything I've chosen to do in life, or anything I've felt or become or am. When I told him I was pagan, he said "Cool. Whatever works for you." He's super athiest, so that was an easy conversation. He was just relieved I wasn't psycho Christian like his mom, who literally allowed him to suffer in great pain and torture regularly as a child, because "god will heal you". Fucking nuts. When I told him any job ideas I had he said "You can be anything you want. Some things take more work than others, but you can do anything." He's just a super supportive parent. So it just never occurred to me that I should come out properly. I'm sure he's heard me mention things that might give him an idea of my sexual identity but it's never been like an actual, "so hey dad..." situation.

I came out to my mom; my godmother. Shortly after I moved to WA. It was my first time having an actual coming out conversation with anyone, and it was good. She had some questions. She had some misconceptions. She listened and abandoned those misconceptions. It was good. Very good. And I don't want to look back and regret never coming out to my dad properly. My dad is in his mid 70's now. He can't seem to remember certain things. Like the fact that I changed my name when I was 30, or maybe he can't remember what I changed it to. But one of those things is true and that's scaring me. Cause that's kinda a big thing. He's always had trouble remembering how old people are and their birthdays so I don't pay attention to that kin of thing. And there's definitely always been a lot of random forgetfulness in him. But my grandmother, his mother, went DEEP into dementia before the end and I'm.... afraid to miss my chance to tell him while there's still a chance he'll remember it. ALSO. If he can't rem something like a name change about 7 years ago that's been constant for 7 years... is he gonna remember me telling him once that I'm pansexual? Is it even... did I miss my chance already?

So I'm scared. Not just because of the memory issues possibly encroaching (I kinda get why he can't rem that I changed my name or what I changed it to, I was fucking 30 when I did it, after all) but because... even though I KNOW his answer will be, "Whatever makes you happy" or some variation of that... because it's fucking scary! I'm SCARED to come out. Even knowing his response. I'm scared. And I'm kinda mad at myself for being scared. So many people have so much worse situations to go through when they come out. Here I have the most supportive dad on the planet and I'm still scared. So that's a thing.

So, just to catalog this cuteness for my own benefit until I get my hands on this (which I will use to write this sort of stuff in so Moony can have it when he's grown) but hey, for yours too.

I play this French horse breeding game, have for years and years. So Moony was hanging out at my elbow here while I messed around with some things and he looked at one of my horses and said "Unicorn!" I said, "Actually, that's a horse. Here, I'll show you a unicorn." And then, you know, I did. It was a baby. "Baby Unicorn!" He says happily. "Right! Would you like to take care of him?" Heehee. Then, with some direction from me as it was the first time he'd played this, he fed the baby unicorn and brushed it and played with it and did all the things that one does in this game, and then I tell him it's time to put the baby unicorn to bed. So he clicked on the little moon, which is the bed option and said "night night" and then wandered off to brush his teeth and pick out his books for the evening and so on and Aaron and I just about lost it over the cuteness while he brushed his teeth.

I'm gonna make him his own account attached to mine and give him a cpl of my unicorns to take care of. And he can do that before bed each night and it can be part of his ritual. He likes his rituals. And he likes unicorns. Wonder why....   :)